Are You Protecting Your Peace or Protecting a Wound?
There's a part of my story I'm not going to tell you. Not today, and maybe not ever.
That's not because it's a secret. It's because it's sacred.
In my last episode, I shared a lot. My father. My best friend. My mom. The year I lost myself in Detroit. So I understand if it surprises you that I'm holding something back. But here's what I know now, in my bones: private is not the same as hidden.
It's Scorpio season, my season. My birthday is November 20, and Scorpio energy is all about depth, power and privacy. So I want to ask you a question I believe every woman who lives any part of her life in public has to answer.
What do you owe the people watching? And what do you get to keep for yourself?
So many of us were taught that if we want to be believed, we have to show the wound first. I don't believe that anymore. If you've ever felt like you had to bleed in public to be taken seriously, this one is for you.
Why I Went Quiet This Year
When I stepped away from social media earlier this year, it started as a fast. I realized I was giving my attention to Instagram for the wrong reasons. It was my marketing tool, my video journal, my podcast platform and, if I'm honest, my dating app. All at once.
There's nothing wrong with any of that if you can hold it all. For me, it was getting emotionally overwhelming. So I stepped back and asked myself why I was showing up every day. Is it for them? Is it for him? Or is it for me?
I want it to be about me, and about you, the women entrepreneurs who listen and tune in. That's what this is for.
So I went private. Not to hide how I was feeling, because obviously I can talk about it now. I needed privacy to come back to myself and to deal with what was happening in my personal life. Some of it I may never share. Maybe it will come out in a book one day. We'll see.
The Season I Was Hiding
I've disappeared before, and that time was different.
In 2018, I got off social media completely for about two years. That season wasn't about privacy or recalibrating. I was hiding.
I was deep in grief. I was dealing with so much in my family. I was pregnant with my son. And I was carrying a lot of shame.
I was ashamed that I wasn't married. I was ashamed of my relationships, and of how quickly I'd gone from one to the next. And I was ashamed of shutting down my business. So many people had been excited for me. They bought my products and backed my Kickstarter while I traveled all over the country doing shows. Then, all of a sudden, I was closing it down. It felt like failing, and I didn't want anyone to watch me fail.
So I hid.
I remember writing in my journal, over and over: I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.
That's what hiding really is. It isn't only hiding from the world. It's hiding from yourself. Self-hatred is real, even when we can't name it yet.
The Three Differences Between Hiding and Privacy
This year looked nothing like 2018. I was talking to God and connecting with myself every single day. I was feeling my emotions, taking my long walks, doing my Stargate priestess meditation and toning, and tapping into my power.
Nobody had to see it, and nobody did. People reached out to ask why they hadn't seen me online. They didn't know what I was going through, and honestly, it was none of their business. I told a few people in my circle, because I'm open like that. But I didn't have to tell anybody.
Neither do you.
So how do you know whether you're hiding or choosing privacy? Ask three questions.
1. Who decides? When you hide, fear decides. Hiding and shame are fear-based programming. When you're private, you decide. There's sovereignty in that, and ownership, and accountability. Those are healthy boundaries. So ask yourself: is fear making this choice, or am I?
2. What does it cost? Hiding is draining. On Dr. David R. Hawkins' Map of Consciousness, shame and fear sit at the lowest frequencies, and courage is where the energy turns upward. Privacy lives in courage, hope and self-affirmation: "I'm keeping this private because it isn't for anyone else to see right now." It can be that simple.
Look at the four energy leaks from my last episode: your activities, your environments, your people and your thought patterns. If you're hiding from people, or from thoughts that keep you in shame, be honest with yourself about it. And remember, this is a no-judgment zone. There's no punishment here.
3. Who is it kept from? Hiding keeps it from everyone, including you and God. When you hide, you don't even want to be seen by yourself. Privacy keeps it from the outside world, while you stay honest and accountable with yourself, and especially with God.
What I Was Really Trying to Prove
So much of being seen is really about proving. Proving your value. Proving your worth.
I'm noticing it now that I'm back on social media and finally owning that I'm a content creator and influencer. That feels so good in my being. Before, I danced around it and told myself I was just promoting my business. The truth is, I love creating content. I love showing up for this podcast and on my Stories. It brings me joy.
I can also see that I've been operating from a need to prove my value since I was a young girl.
My whole Harvard quest was about proving to the world how smart I was. I wanted everybody to know I was intelligent and capable enough to attend one of the most esteemed academic institutions in the world.
And I paid for it. That's why I always say I went from Harvard to healing. I graduated feeling less than I did when I started.
So I had to look at myself and ask who I was trying to prove myself to, when I didn't even feel good on the inside. I didn't feel worthy. I didn't feel valuable. That degree was supposed to raise my value in the marketplace, and on paper, it did. But my worth to myself was almost non-existent. I had given myself up completely to prove myself to everyone else. That's the definition of people pleasing.
If You Didn't Post It, Did It Happen?
We live in a culture where if you didn't take the picture or get the video, it didn't happen. Proof has become the only metric. And that just isn't the truth.
So ask yourself: am I trying to prove myself by being seen, to show people I'm doing okay and that I've got it? Or am I doing this for me? Does it actually fulfill me? It can be a bit of both. Wherever you are is fine. It's about being honest about where you are.
There's a part of me that wants to demonstrate my authority and my thought leadership as I create. But at the end of the day, I'm doing this for me. Speaking my truth and shining God's light fulfills me.
I've been doing this for six years, y'all. My numbers, especially on YouTube, aren't the big numbers yet. I'm not making seven figures from this yet. And I still show up, because I love it, and because I know it brings value to the people who are ready to receive it. The proof is in you, in your own being. You have to feel into that.
It takes time. For a long while, this part of the journey drained me, because I wanted it to look like other people's journeys. The comparison is real. The competition is real.
But competition has never been who I am. I played sports growing up, and the competitive part never excited me. The training did. I love to train. I love to run, to dance, sometimes to swim. Going out to race people and elbow them out of the way always felt ridiculous to me. I just wanted to do my best and beat myself. I've never needed to prove I'm better than anyone else.
You Don't Have to Prove Your Pain
So many of the women who listen are leaders in the public eye. You may not have millions of followers yet, but you're prominent in your community. And being seen can come with pressure to prove your worth.
So hear me: you do not have to prove your pain, your journey, what you've overcome or your credentials to be accepted. You don't have to prove anything to deserve recognition or acknowledgment.
Not the wound that makes people say, "She's really in pain." Not the trophy on the table that makes them say, "She's really a winner." We know the pain we've endured. We know the wins we've earned. Period. No one else needs to validate that for us.
What I was always searching for was external validation. And when I walk myself through the proving and ask what I was really trying to get, the answer is love. Proving is a performance for love.
We don't need to perform when we have that love for ourselves. When we honor ourselves. When we hold healthy boundaries. When we nurture ourselves through the pain.
Share From Your Scars, Not Your Wounds
That brings us to what we share and what we keep private. Those choices are our healthy boundaries, and we want to name them clearly for ourselves.
For me, my boundaries are mostly around my wounds. Anything I feel confident in, I'm eager to share. I think it's similar for most women leaders. When you feel confident in your work, your relationship or where you stand, it's easy to talk about.
When you've been hurt, betrayed, talked about or judged, sharing is much harder. And what you'd say may not yet be the fullest, highest truth. A wound needs to be transmuted, and that's why it gets triggered: to show you where you need care. Judgment has been an especially painful area for me. So I nurture it. I pray on it. I meditate with it. I journal about it. I talk to myself about it on my walks.
So before we post and share, and instead of hiding, we keep the wounded parts of ourselves private while we heal.
Pastor Nadia Bolz-Weber says we preach from our scars, not our wounds. I got chills saying that on the episode, because I remember starting to write my book around this time last year. I was journaling at the same time, and it was obvious that much of what I wrote, sometimes for the first time in my life, came from a wounded place.
Here's the difference. A wound is usually still the victim mind. We're still hurting, still feeling sorry for ourselves, still in the pain. A scar has healed. You can still see it, and you still have the memory, but not the emotional charge. You can speak about it without being knocked over by it.
That's where we want to be when we post, share and become visible: in the healed place. From the scar, you can speak easily, confidently and in a way that inspires.
The Peace or Wound Check
As we move past the wound, we come into peace. Here are three questions to know which one you're standing in.
The body question. Picture the thing being known. Does your body settle, or does it brace? Your body gives you the signal when your mind can't sort it out. If you feel spacious and settled, that's peace. If you feel clenched or flinchy, that's a wound. For me, it shows up as cramps in my lower abdomen, my sacral area. When I feel that, I know I'm uncomfortable. I know it's coming from a wounded place.
The choice question. Could you share it if you wanted to? Yes-or-no questions are powerful because your body answers fast. If you could share it and you choose not to, that's privacy. If you can't even talk about it, even to yourself, that's the wound, and you need to give yourself time.
The who question. Who do I trust? Who do I feel safe with? I feel safe on my podcast, even though I'm talking to who knows how many people. Maybe it's because I'm talking to myself, but I also feel that my podcast community is safe. The comments are respectful, even on Instagram. And I feel safe with the close friends and loved ones I've cultivated over the years, people who have proven they can receive me without judging me. That takes time.
Peace can mean keeping something from the public. A wound keeps it from everyone, even from yourself.
And that's okay too. Sometimes a wound is so deep it doesn't have words yet. I've been there, in my grief and in moments of deep betrayal. Sometimes you just have to rest. Sleep. Go for a walk. It isn't anything you can talk about yet, even with yourself.
So have grace with where you are, and love for yourself right there. Judgment only compounds the wound. Keep telling yourself this is a no-judgment zone.
Then ask: am I protecting my peace, or am I protecting my wound?
It's okay if the answer is both. You just have to know where you are.
How to Nurture a Wound
When you find a wound, nurture it. Bring it love, attention and gentleness, the way you'd soothe your child, or the sweet pet who soothes you right back.
That can look so many ways. I love sweet treats, so sometimes nurturing myself is cookies and ice cream. It's a walk, the hot tub or the steam room. It's a long shower and a deep conditioning for my hair.
Notice that none of that costs much. I'm not telling you to book a lavish vacation or a day at the most expensive spa. I used to get massages and acupuncture, and right now I'm finding smaller ways. Cookies and ice cream. A walk. The hot tub at a friend's house or the gym. Sitting in nature, which is free ninety-nine.
Find what nurtures you, so you can keep coming back to that peace within, and stop hiding from yourself or anyone else.
Stop Hiding From Yourself
If you choose to keep something private, let that choice come from confidence, sovereignty, accountability and power, not from victimhood, judgment and fear. That's all we want: to stop hiding from ourselves, and to be private when we need to be.
There's a lot of subtlety in this conversation. Honestly, that's where we are as women leaders. It's in the subtleties and the details where there is power, healing, grace and opportunity.
Thank you for staying with me.
Keep Going
Follow my Ra Ritual. I'm doing a 30-day hair ritual with Ra Beauty, the hibiscus petal oil I use on my hair, skin and body. Follow along on Instagram at @iamerinpatten, and find the oil at rabeauty.co.
The Divine Alignment Mentorship. If this message is resonating and you're ready to stop proving and start protecting your peace with support, book a consultation at erinpatten.com.
The MetaBusiness Letter. This week's letter is for the woman who feels she has to bleed in public to be believed. Read it on Substack: https://substack.com/@erinpatten