Aleksandra Plazinic on How to Stop Performing Confidence

Dr. Aleksandra Plazinic on where imposter syndrome begins, why perfectionism never ends, and the body-first tools to speak with real confidence.

Confidence Isn't Something You Collect

There is a moment that happens right before you speak. Your name gets called, the Zoom tile lights up, or the room turns toward you, and something in your body tightens. Your heart picks up speed. Your throat narrows. And a quiet, familiar voice asks the question it has been asking for years. Who do you think you are?

What makes that moment so maddening for the women I serve is that it doesn't care about your résumé. You can have the degrees, the title, the second or third business, and a decade of proof. The voice shows up anyway.

My guest this week knows that voice intimately. Dr. Aleksandra Plazinic holds a PhD and two master's degrees. She teaches at business schools across Europe and has worked with the United Nations and the European Commission. She coaches women to speak with confidence for a living, and her new book, From Fear to Fearless Female Speaker, has already hit the bestseller lists in Spain and Germany. And for years, she felt like an imposter.

That is exactly why I wanted her on the show. If credentials could cure imposter syndrome, Aleksandra would never have had it. What she discovered instead is the thread I keep returning to on this podcast, and the one I explored in my recent solo episode on embodiment. Confidence isn't collected. It's embodied.

Where the Proving Began

Aleksandra grew up in a small town in western Serbia during the nineties, a time of conflict, closed borders, and sanctions. She was careful to say she didn't have a bad childhood. But she grew up inside a particular system, and that system shaped her.

She was an only child, and her parents always told her she was capable and intelligent. They never demanded straight A's outright, but somewhere along the way she absorbed that straight A's were simply the minimum. The education system around her was disciplined and strict, and praise was rare. Most of the feedback she remembers was negative, because that was how you were supposed to grow. An A was met with a shrug, because it was expected. A slip was met with disappointment.

Out of that soil grew what she calls the proving dynamic. Even when she had every qualification, even when she had clearly earned her seat, she felt she had to convince everyone in the room that they hadn't made a mistake by giving her the chance. Don't embarrass yourself. Don't let anyone down.

I felt that in my bones. I had a very similar upbringing, layered with conflict and chaos in my family's personal life. Perfection was the price of love and attention. A mistake could mean love was withdrawn, and in my home it sometimes meant punishment. When perfection is the standard you have to meet to be loved, performing becomes a way of staying safe. It can feel like a kind of prison.

Perfectionism Is a Moving Target

Aleksandra named herself a perfectionist, and she was honest that she still is. Most of the women she works with are too. She described the trap so clearly. You reach the goal and think, now it's perfect, now I've got it. And in the very next breath your mind says, okay, that's done, what's next. The finish line moves every time you approach it.

That is why perfectionism can never deliver the peace it promises. It isn't a destination. It's a treadmill. And if your sense of worth is tied to reaching the end of it, you will spend your life running.

The Good Girl Who Waits for the Perfect Line

Here is what surprised me. As a girl, Aleksandra loved the stage. She performed, she joined activities, she wanted to be seen. The quiet didn't arrive in childhood. It arrived later, in her professional life, when she entered rooms where people didn't know her yet.

Even after passing every selection process, she felt she had something to prove. And so she waited. She waited for her turn. She waited until she had all the answers. She waited until she had the perfect lines, because if she spoke imperfectly, she believed she would be judged.

Then she named the pleasing dynamic so many of us carry. Will they like what I say? Should I have said it softer? Was I too direct, too firm? We are expected to be smart and accomplished and always working on ourselves, and also to never bother anybody too much. Underneath it all is a story of me versus them. The audience as judges. The fear that this will finally be the moment they find out who I really am.

I shared that my own voice felt constricted for most of my life. I was loud and outgoing and extroverted, and still I didn't know how to express my truth. I was so focused on being right, on giving the answer people wanted, that I couldn't even hear what was true for me. That is the hidden cost of performing. You can be the most visible woman in the room and still be missing from your own voice.

That me versus them story is the heart of imposter syndrome. The truth is that we are all in this together, carrying versions of the same fear. When we remember that, the room stops being a tribunal and becomes a gathering of humans.

The PhD She Almost Didn't Pursue

After her first master's degree, Aleksandra earned a scholarship and completed a second in France and Germany. Her professors and peers kept asking when she would do her PhD. And she kept thinking, maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm not there yet. It took her four or five years to decide.

Looking back, she recognizes that hesitation as imposter syndrome. Part of it was an image she held of who gets a PhD. She pictured solitary researchers, a little nerdy, happiest alone with their topic. She is extroverted and communicative and loves collaboration, so she couldn't see herself in that picture. What changed it was falling in love with her topic and finding the right mentor and thesis supervisor. As she put it, once the student is ready, the master shows up.

I recognized my own story in hers. In my dual master's program at Harvard, I carried so much insecurity. I felt like I didn't know enough, like everyone else was better, like my non-traditional background gave me away. Academic culture, with all its competition and grading, seems almost designed to bring out the imposter in us. Finding someone who can hold space for you inside that system is a gift.

When Your Achievements Feel Like Someone Else's

I asked Aleksandra when she moved from collecting credentials to embodying them. She laughed, because it wasn't one moment. It was a journey, and it still is. Sometimes when someone reads her bio before she speaks, she still listens and thinks, is that really me?

She told me about an exercise she now gives her clients. You list all of your achievements, and then you remember the challenges you had to overcome to reach each one. The first time she did it and had to present it aloud, she was literally sweating. Her own accomplishments felt external, almost as if they lived outside her body. Like someone else had done them, or she had just been lucky, or the opportunity had simply shown up.

Over the years she practiced, piece by piece, and her confidence grew. Today the difference is that she feels grounded. She can embrace her achievements as truly hers. Not to brag, but because they have become part of her, physically, mentally, and emotionally. That is what embodiment means. Your accomplishments stop being a list you recite and start being a place you stand.

Why Most Speaking Advice Starts in the Wrong Place

This is where Aleksandra's method comes alive. She works across four elements, the body, the emotions, the mind, and the content. Most speaking trainings, she said, start with content. How to structure the talk, where to stand, what to do with your hands. All of it matters. But starting there turns speaking into a performance. You end up trying to be someone else before you have embraced who you are or calmed your own nervous system.

So she starts with the body, because the body is the easiest place to make a change. You don't have to think your way through it. You don't even have to believe it. You can only feel your emotions in your body, and when you ignore them, they leak out anyway. Into your voice. Into your posture. Into your hands. Into the tightening in your throat.

Sometimes all it takes is feeling both feet on the ground. You don't need to use the whole stage. Just stand there for a few seconds, feel where you are, and let yourself center.

Then come the emotions. The leap from very nervous to completely calm is a long way to travel in one step. So instead, she invites clients to find a slightly better emotion. Nervousness and excitement show up in the body in almost the same way. Telling yourself I'm excited can turn the same energy in a new direction.

Only once the body and emotions have settled does she move to the mind, because now the mind can trust you. And content comes last. One of my favorite moments in the whole conversation was when she said she rarely meets a woman who doesn't know what she's talking about. The knowledge is almost always there. What's missing is the safety to let it out.

Unthreading the Fear

I asked Aleksandra how she coaches someone from intense anxiety to calm, whether it's a keynote, a board meeting, or a hard conversation with a partner or child. Her process is so practical that I want you to try it.

First, rate your fear from zero to ten. Zero isn't the goal. Zero, she said with a laugh, means you're in your pajamas watching Netflix. We want some energy, some excitement about the message. But an eight, nine, or ten is crippling. It keeps your message from ever reaching the room.

Then ask, what exactly am I afraid of? It's rarely the speaking itself. It's being judged. Being evaluated. My boss sitting in the audience. Getting a question I can't answer. Fear thrives where things are unclear, and once you start to unthread it, it begins to release. Ask the question more than once and you get closer to the real fear underneath.

Next, she asks, so what? Walk through the worst case scenario. If I freeze, then what? If I lose my voice, what will I do? Usually there's only one way from there, and that's up. Her clients find their own remedies. A glass of water. A short pause. Simply telling the audience, give me a second, this means a lot to me. One client who froze at the sight of a microphone decided to set it down and speak without it.

Then she flips it. What is the most positive scenario? Let your mind walk all the way through that one, too.

And finally, the question she believes matters most. What would you do if you weren't afraid?

She asks her clients to bring that question into every meeting, every day, starting small. You don't have to begin on a big stage. You only need one real commitment, made by answering that question honestly.

Aleksandra was clear that the deeper version of this exercise can be uncomfortable, and that it helps to have a coach or trusted person support you through it.

The Rooms Where the Stakes Feel Highest

I'll be honest with you about why this landed so hard for me. Silence has been generational in my family. When my father was away for years during my childhood, I was taught to tell people he was on a business trip. Speaking the truth about our life simply wasn't allowed. And right now I'm in a season where I'm being asked to stand up and speak for myself in rooms where the stakes could not feel higher. The fear in my body is very real.

When Aleksandra asked what I would do if I weren't afraid, something in me reorganized. I can walk through the worst case. Most of us rehearse it constantly. But how often do we let ourselves imagine the best outcome? The version of us with the most courage, the most preparation, the most clarity? That question changed how I am preparing for every conversation ahead of me.

Aleksandra offered me something I want to pass on to you. Even in the highest stakes room, the person across from you is a human being with their own experiences and their own life. You are not speaking to a wall. You are speaking to people, and you are there to serve them. This is my truth, she said, and this is the content I'm committed to, but I'm not here to please you. If you want to take it, wonderful. If not, that's absolutely fine.

That is sovereignty. Not needing the room's approval to tell the truth.

Tools for Your Next Big Conversation

Before we wrapped, I asked Aleksandra for one exercise from her book that you can use before your next big moment. She gave us a handful.

Start with your body. Place both feet on the ground, whether you're sitting or standing. Don't cross your legs or stand with one foot in front of the other. Straighten your spine and lift your gaze. And take up more space. Animals make themselves bigger when they feel powerful. A bear rises up on its hind legs. Women often do the opposite. We shrink when we have something uncomfortable to say. So do the reverse on purpose. Smile if you can, even if it starts out forced, because it signals to your mind that you're safe.

Try the power woman pose before your meeting, then extend your arms overhead into a victory stance, like you've just won the race. Do it in the bathroom, the hallway, or your office. She shared that this gesture shows up across people, even in those born without sight, which tells you something about how deeply it's wired in us. As your posture shifts, your emotions shift, and your thinking follows.

Then use your breath. A longer exhale is always soothing. The technique she shared from her book is one I had never heard before. Take three short sniffs in through your nose, the way someone naturally does when they're calming down after crying, and then let out one long exhale.

Finally, speak to your mind with affirmations. Her favorites help you connect to yourself and your audience at the same time. I'm glad I'm here. Then, turning your attention outward, I'm glad you're here. And the one she still uses herself, the one I haven't stopped repeating. I know that I know.

That last one goes straight to the root of imposter syndrome. We do know our material. The problem is that we hold it back, so our competence and expertise never get seen. I know that I know is a door that lets what you already have walk out into the room.

Her own pre-speaking ritual, especially at the end of a long day, is a bit more energetic. She jumps, stretches her arms up in the victory position, and says out loud, I'm ready, I'm energetic, I'm amazing.

Nobody Knows Your Thesis Better Than You

When I asked what she would whisper to herself on the day she defended her PhD, she said, you've got this. And then she added something she only understood later. Nobody knows your topic and your thesis better than you do.

Let that be true for you, too. No one knows your story, your work, or your truth better than you. So who better to speak it?

And when I asked for a word to describe the woman she is now compared with the girl in that Serbian classroom, she gave me a sentence instead. Do your thing. Show up. Speak up. It doesn't matter what other people say. The word that came to me was fearless, and she agreed.

Here is what I want you to take with you. Fearlessness is a practice. Just as we were conditioned over time to live in fear, we can condition ourselves to live beyond it. One grounded breath, one expanded posture, one honest answer to the question of what you would do if you weren't afraid. Piece by piece, the way Aleksandra did it.

If You're Ready to Stop Performing

This is the work I do inside the Divine Alignment Mentorship. We build the bridge between knowing who you are and actually living it, in your body, your voice, and your business. If this conversation stirred something in you, the door is open.

Book a consultation with me at erinpatten.com. I'll be on the other side of it.

Aleksandra's book From Fear to Fearless Female Speaker is available now on Amazon in Kindle, paperback, and hardcover. Get her free guide, 3 Steps to Prepare for Public Speaking. You can find her work at aplazinic.com and connect with her on LinkedIn at Aleksandra Plazinic, PhD.